dear readers,

recently, i’ve found it hard to share or archive on my usual social media platforms. i want a simple, clear format to share my life and thoughts. i do not have much time. and time passes, sand through my fingers.

let me introduce myself. i am a poet. i work in different forms: narrative poetry, form poems, short stories, novel, photography and design. i speak tamil and english as mother tongues. meine gedanken sind manchmal auf deutsch. i speak and think often in german these days. my tamil is fleeting, maybe we gather them here. i haven’t lived in my hometown since i was fifteen. since, i’ve lived in Chennai, Bengaluru, Coventry, Milan, Viscri, Göttingen and now, i live in Berlin. it’s the longest i’ve lived in one place since my hometown. i didn’t know staying still can slice me open like this, for in 2024, i had to admit to myself that i am and wanted to live on as a trans man.

the words and the desires were very specific, and though i’d littered all the evidence of my dashing to this point, going from one place to another looking for myself (a bird panicked in its cage always in a rush because what is better than getting there?), not knowing what i was looking for. the frame of my self, which is a long passage of time, always tapered just ahead of me. as joyful as homecomings go, i also had to leave many homes behind, sever lives that were once mine. so much has happened since 2024, when friends tell me i look good, i look myself and so on, i wish i could show them the crucible at my diaphram, what it took to get here, the blood on my hands.

stepping into testosterone therapy in its full glory is making me a place. i am fuller, larger in scope of life and breath. i am unable to carry shame, i am unable to carry violences of my childhood, my pasts. i can no longer lie about what this life means to me, nor can i lie about the burdens i carried. it has also brought me to realise the entanglements between childhood sexual violence, cptsd, hypersexuality and ask questions like “why did it take me so long to come out?” “what is actually a “man” in this day and age?” and perhaps more importantly to say, “i am trans, how can i advocate for myself and other trans people?” if i had to tell my trans journeys, what will i tell you? “everything changed,” i tell a friend, “it also didn’t, it has always also been.”

i am learning to speak of my many lives. thank you for reading!

with love,

aadhi ஆதி